Consider This ... Prolly One of The Most Important Things I Have To Say

1964 Mustang [18k]

I was thinking about my Grandpa yesterday ... had been talking about him, and baseball season always triggers growing up with him and all the wonderful things he did for me.

He taught me how to play softball, took me to Busch Gardens, grocery shopping, took me to all my orthopedic and orthodontist appointments, taught me how to drive, told me his middle name, told me jokes, explained the importance of unions [lol from Michigan, soooo], and never missed one of my softball games ... even if he missed a Dodger game; I came first. 😭

And then I got to thinking, at the same time, a flood of thoughts regarding how I did everything for my kids, but for some reason they turned out better than me. Why is that? 

Part I Thoughts

My grandma was out of control with the shit she said to me ...

I need to be kept and taken care of by a man 🤢

Nothing is too good for me

I am never being paid enough

I am better than everyone else

I am her favorite grandchild

I am better than any man I am with

I deserve the best or better than the status quo

...

she fucked me up for sure!!

How I Raised My Kids ...

No one wants to hear it lol lol

I did everything for them like my grandparents did for me, but ...

I taught them respect for everything

I taught them to appreciate the finer things in life, like sobriety, laughter, charitable acts, finding the perfect Christmas tree, The Easter Bunny [lol], free education, cooking for yourself, animals, music, counting blessings, etc

I was never taught respect or boundaries by anyone for anyone or for anything

I also went into great detail about things I taught them. I taught them why I was saying what I was.

Look at them now; they are the best parts of me ... loving music, doing things for others, cooking, cats

Part II Thoughts

And then I remembered how my gramps let me take his Mustang, his Ford baby to school. I ran away from home during my parents divorce to live with my grandparents, since they solely took care of me until I was three. I ran back to them. So, to go to BHS I had to take the 'stang to school.

Unfortunately, during this time, my drinking escalated. Jesus! From morning until night I was tanked. I would skip school, break into my parent's house and steal liquor. Everyday, for months and months, I abused that car by speeding and driving under the influence. I could've hurt myself, my friends,  pedestrians, other drivers, etc [all the things you'll get thrown at you in a PSA]. 

But, it wasn't until last night that this dawned on me, almost getting me off the bus to throw up .. and that is ... I could've hurt my Gramp's car, his baby Ford [this is not my point].

Think about the obvious before you get behind the wheel high as a kite; you or someone else can die, also important, you can destroy a vehicle useless! I thought about this, more than my own life. Had I of totaled the Mustang there is no fucking way my grandparents could've replaced it, no way. They didn't the money for another car. So, WTF was I thinking? It makes me sick to my stomach. I never considered this, it sucks and so does EOL reflections.

Don't drink or drug and drive ... and don't speed. Include this in your forethoughts, can you or someone else be replaced? No! Can your mom or dad replace a vehicle if you damage it? You know better than I. I just know I was never taught respect for anyone or anything; pretty sad. But, I am not like that now .. for the most part.

So, for the rest of my days, I get to beat myself up ... thinking about my unconscionable actions I did as a teenager & the 'what ifs'. Jesus! 😭

This was my Gramp's favorite song [Yes, Willy Nelson]. So sorry Gramps.